Thursday, May 27, 2010

Brraaarrgh he roared, shitty but somehow glad of it all. It is the 73rd of Jactobuary and I am feeling the pinch.

It occurs to me that the trick to writing is to have something to write about. I know what you're thinking; "Has he been wolfing members of that delicious, fragrant and chatoyant yet highly toxic species of forest frog again?" The wanser (better than an answer!) is yes. I mean, no. What I mean is, frogs have just as much right to churn out an aimless blog post as the rest of us, unladen with the ability to write much less comprehend though they might be. I press on.

What separates us from the humble frog is a distinct sense of self; while the cockily lustrous amphibian may outreach humanity where sheer toxicity is concerned, this frankly useful characteristic is just no match for that vital self awareness when it comes to writing. Aristotle himself would no doubt agree with me; he was a prat though. Back to my original point.

If one needs something to write about, one must engage in activities, carry out tasks, interact with the world and those in it. In short, a writer needs experiences. Sam Keith taught me that, bless him.

These experiences your average writer must, um, experience fill that cavernous void, heretofore empty, begging to be furnished with a glut of rippling dates, names, conversations, impressions, fears, joy, impudent gesticulation, each washing over the other in a subterranean ocean of material.

Or, there's the alternative. I am currently engrossed in fleshing out this lesser known technique. I will explain.

Rule number one: Do (now this is important) nothing. That's it, more or less. Your first inclination will be to do something, anything; surely to write, one must have something write about (for the crab eyed, that was in the first paragraph. The likelihood of crabs reading this thing is roughly equal to that of people, an irony not lost on me despite my occasional references to an audience I know full well does not exist. If any crabs are reading this, well done). Aha, but that is the real trick isn't it? Do nothing, then write. The words will flow like the verdant juices of a freshly crushed frog, though they will hold little meaning.

That's what it boils down to. A total absence of anything resembling experiential content will inevitably lead to sparkling prose about dead frogs. If this withering burst of insight does not floor you, then I have no idea what to write next.

In fact, forget all that.

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